Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Book Review: Lisey's Story - Stephen King

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A few months ago I had picked up Stephen King’s fine book on writing – On Writing. The first half of the book was autobiographical and the second was about his experiences as a writer, what makes him write and what aspiring writers should do to grow into the kinds of writers they like reading. There was a brief section toward the end about his nearly fatal accident and the painful recovery process. I had never been a Stephen King fan until I read this book. It wasn’t as if I had anything against the author - just the horror genre. I scare easy, especially when the scare emanates from the pages of a book - it is an unshakeable scare when it comes from a book; your fingers seem glued to the book as it draws you in deeper and deeper.

I have seen movies based on his books – Misery, Carrie, The Shining, The Langoliers – and have enjoyed them immensely, but something kept me away from his books. On Writing, however, was the turning point. I liked the author and his ideas about life, love, writers and writing so much that I decided to orient myself to some of his works.

I couldn’t resist the bright red cover of his new book Lisey’s Story. It was getting good reviews and I liked what I read in the dust jacket synopsis. The cover underneath the dust jacket was quite intriguing as well. It showed a bright garden, all kinds of bright and colorful tropical flowers and plants crowding each other out on the bottom portion of the picture, as if one was about to pick up a Maeve Binchy book, but as your eyes followed it up the cover it slowly faded into warped, rotten, dead and wilted trees and flowers. I had to buy it. Lisey’s Story had drawn me in even before I could read the first word on the first page.

It is interesting to read an author’s work after having read their autobiography. Authors are always questioned about the autobiographical content in their works of fiction. One assumes these threads run through their work with some consistency. I suppose we all want to know what makes each writer write a certain way. We want to get inside their heads and learn more about them. On the face of it, this goes against my assertion that most of us are so self-absorbed we couldn’t care less what makes others tick, but on another level it affirms it. Those of us who aspire to write want to know about the inner mechanics of a writer’s brain, so we can find some similarities in experience or background – so we can attempt to answer the question – Why can’t we do it if they can? That’s when we either throw up our hands in defeat and accept that we will never be able to write as well as they do or we tell ourselves that the more we read the better we will be able to write, that it isn’t easy, it needs a certain devotion to the craft. It needs ones singular attention. King often stresses this in his book on writing. So, needless to say, I too was searching for parallels in Lisey’s Story, wondering how close it came to the story of Tabby (King’s wife – the book is dedicated to Tabby. Maine, King’s state, is the setting for this novel, although there are parts based in Pittsburgh, West Virginia and Nashville. I did find many parallels, a few of them confirmed by the author himself and the last couple of pages of credits. Seeking the parallels was a thrill in itself.

The protagonists in the novel are a famous author and his wife: the author who carries dark secrets with him and his wife – the only safe haven in his tormented world. Ostensibly, the story is one of love and devotion, of spines of steel and imaginations that have merged with reality. It’s about being there for those who matter to you and about knowing when to move on, when to close the final chapter. The plot was masterful and riveting. But as a reader I noticed several delicious layers of rapturous story-telling, of authenticity, of reality, of living with psychoses and finding safe havens.

Stephen King must be so finely attuned to the speech patterns and dictions of various parts of the country. He switched from the anglicized sounds of Maine to the flat and nasal intonations of the Midwest to the southern drawl with such ease, transporting the reader with him, making them feel as though they were watching each scene unfold in front of their eyes. The book is about the blurring and eventual erasure of the line between the real and the shadow worlds of our imaginations and just as the protagonists find their alive and vibrant shadow world, the reader too feels her own sleeping imagination sparked alive. The fiction seems to rise up in wisps through the pages of the book and surround you in the wondrous reality of daylight Boo’Ya Moon and the terrors of the night, where one is in danger of coming across the bad-gunky and tracking down bools. Yes, these words are creations of the author. We also come across acronyms like SOWISA (Strap On When It Is Most Appropriate) and many others. This is what is most appealing, this shows the inner map, the inner mechanics of a marriage that has worked over many years - married couples, families, brothers and sisters, we all share codes or forms of expression that would be so meaningless to an outsider, and it is delightful to see them flow through King's pen with such authenticity and such natural ease.

There is an interesting vignette within the story of when the author-protagonist (Scott Landon) has submitted his manuscript for editing and his editor calls the plot 'creaky' and not real enough. After letting out some steam about it he chances upon a newspaper story about a dog named Ralph who returns to his owners after being missing for six months - just walks back in all by himself. He points to the story and asks his wife what the chances were that his editor would call a similar fictional occurrence in his plot 'creaky'? Since that time the couple has a new saying that is often pulled out when appropriate: "Reality is Ralph". There are ways in which we greet those who are close to us, there are secrets and jokes we share that are foreign to those who are not a part of our closest circle and King brings out this aspect of our lives with such beauty and clarity.

Some books are like echoes, they resonate and call you back to visit long after you slam the back cover to the last n-hundredth page. This was one of them. I believe many more Stephen King books will line my bookshelves from now on.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Smiling Sun

The sun is always smiling as it hangs on the bright blue ceiling of a cloudless sky while smiling people with long eyelashes, pert noses and upturned mouths take walks with their kids and dogs and cats on the green grass floor. They never stray too far from the tall home with curtained windows and elaborate, transomed doors. The hearth must always be warm as the smoke leaves the chimney in swirling wisps, birds fly in formation and no picture is ever complete without hearts, flowers and butterflies.

Every picture declares love in letters that took on a distinct personality, a definite tilt and an undisguised flair only yesterday. Every picture is a priceless gift that transforms itself into instant refrigerator art.

May the sun always smile on you through cloudless skies and yes my dear, a heart full of love is the most important thing in the world!

Friday, December 15, 2006

Grand Finale!

The show's over now, the stage has been cleared, the audience has left the building. But I wouldn't be lying if I said these were the best fifty-seven minutes of my life. I am so glad I sent TF that first tentative response to his call for wannabe female back up vocalists. I had several pangs of regret over the last few weeks thinking I was in over my head but it all came together so well in the end. I would definitely sign up again next year! Can't wait to see the video recording. Anoushka has already been going around telling everyone that her Mom is in a rock band, so it would be nice to have a video that backs up her assertion. After all how many kids her age can say their Mom performed on stage at the Hard Rock Cafe in New York!

We really rocked the house. I had my own little cheering section of the 20 colleagues in my department out of the 400 that attended, they were clapping their hands, waving at me, cheering me on. What made it even more exciting is that they would never expect someone like me to be up there on stage. I have to admit I was thrilled at comments like, "Oh my God! I never knew you sang! You were so good up there! We could clearly hear your voice, distinct from the others!" Even the problem I had with the beats (coming in a fraction early or too late) vanished and I nailed it - getting real thumbs up looks from the other band members! I still cannot get over the excitement and the adrenalin rush!

But enough about me! I was just a back up singer, the other members of the band had much grander roles and grand performances. At the end of our show the auditorium rang out with cries of "Encore! Encore!" We were all tempted to go back on stage but the Hard Rock Cafe stage had been booked for only so much time.

Somewhere on this blog is something I had written about only a handful of days being memorable enough to find a permanent place in our minds. The other ordinary days just fade away, unremembered. This will certainly not be one of those unremembered days.

Until I can post a link to our performance, enjoy Beyonce Knowles doing her tribute to Tina and picture me as one of the three back up singers there...except not dressed quite as flamboyantly...and not quite so smooth with the dance moves. But I certainly enjoyed myself as much as they did:






Thank you all who left me wonderful words of encouragement on my last panicked post. I honestly was at my wit's end. But all's well that ends well!

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Danger - Slippery Slopes

Danger Ahead

Hand wringing isn't an option, I don't do that. I am calm, or rather, am pretending to be calm. It has been said that you eventually become what or who you pretend to be, so that's the hope.

As I stand poised at base camp the week ahead appears like the towering K2 with unpredictable weather and inadequate supplies. I am not the first or the last person in the world facing a difficult week. I hear about the unexpected twists and challenges folks face everyday. They like to tell me what they're going through, I like to listen, I can't do much else. Every now and then I yearn for someone who would listen to me, or say just the right things to help me overcome my challenges or difficulties. But I don't believe such a person exists. Patronizing words of false sympathy or genuine pity or even promises to pray for me rub me very much the wrong way. They are all just words.

Such yearnings however, are fleeting. I don't dwell on them. Self help is the only thing one can count on. In writing things here I am trying to draw myself a roadmap for the anticipated rocky terrain. So here goes:

Monday - I had the foresight to take the day off. At least I can stay asleep till 7 AM or so. Then I need to attend to the needs of Fudge and take A to school. The house is a complete mess and there are unopened pieces of mail and bills strewn around. I'll need to clean up and then review the piles of mail. Tomorrow is also rehearsal night - a three hour long rehearsal - 6 - 9 PM. So I need to leave for NYC by 4, with Anoushka. She'll need earplugs to protect her from the noise levels or else I'll be tagged as an irresponsible parent. The tricky part is the basement cleaning appointment that I scheduled for 3:30 PM! I knew I had rehearsal, so why did I do this? Tomorrow morning I will need to decide whether I want to tell the band that I won't show up for rehearsal (I'll feel awful since only 4 days remain to the show) or I'll need to call the cleanup guy and tell him to reschedule. I would hate to do that; thanks to Fudge, the current state of the basement is intolerable to me. Maybe the morning light will yield some answers.

Tuesday - I need to make sure I get home exactly at 6:30 PM so that A and I can go home, collect F's vaccine history and F (in a crate) and take him to PetSmart for training classes. The classes will probably last an hour or so. After that I'll need to worry about dinner and then I'll start worrying about F retaining everything he learns in this class. It would mean more training work for me at home and how would I be able to keep up with that if I'm away from home for 12 hours??

Wednesday - Wednesday is the day of our holiday luncheon and the Yankee Swap gift exchange event. Hopefully I would have contributed my $10+ gift to the pile by Wednesday. Wednesday is also rehearsal night, which means I won't be home till 9:30 or 10 PM. I don't know anyone who could keep A for that long. So the only alternative is to have her miss school, take her to work with me, have her participate in the official holiday luncheon and then subject her to loud rock music till 8 PM before driving home. I'll still have dinner to think about after I get back.

Thursday - Hmm...Thursday doesn't look too bad, except for a promise to meet up with a friend from India around 7:30 PM or so. We were originally supposed to meet on Sunday but then he got busy and Thursday, as you can see, is really the only day I am available.

Friday - Friday is the day of the show. It is our annual function. The first part of the event is speeches and awards and all employees are required to be at the auditorium by 8:45 AM. If I need to drop A off at her daycare center at 6:30 AM then I can't catch my bus until 7:15 AM and this particular bus will get me to the auditorium by 9:15!! I hate entering things like auditoriums late, every eye turns toward you, speech givers might stop mid-sentence, I'll never live down the embarrassment. I have been wracking my brains for a solution but can't think of anyone who would take A at 6 AM and drop her off at school a little later. Maybe it's my non-existent social skills but I am quite friendless in this regard, have never cultivated a list of reliable, helpful neighbors. I need to work on that (among other things) but I have no alternatives for Friday. I'll need to swallow my embarrassment about arriving late. Once I get there I'll spend three hours agonizing about the upcoming stage performance for which I have been rehearsing for the last six weeks. Hope I won't freeze, hope I won't appear awkward and stiff and hope I'll keep the beat.

And believe it or not, these are just the lace and frills that decorate my stressful work week, the week of the year end financial close where I cannot afford a single misstep. My early departure from work is bound to raise several eyebrows this week. My only option would be to raise the eyebrows back at them, accompanied by a shrug that says - "Whaddaya want me to do??"

Oh God! Please give me the strength to get through this week.

Sunday, December 3, 2006

Rear View Mirror

There’s only so much you can see in your rear view mirrors. You glance up every now and then praying you wouldn’t see the red, white and blue flashing lights coming up behind you, insisting you pull over. You also keep checking to make sure no humongous truck or aggressive speeder is bearing down on you, but other than that it’s just something that serves to underscore your fast disappearing life.

Endless miles of roads, covered so many times that you lose track of all distinctions between the past, present and future. I have a feeling you could take a picture of the highway, appearing to converge somewhere in the point you passed several minutes ago, the soundproofing barriers on either side of the road that stop the hum of the highway from disturbing suburban idylls and the endless cars behind you, and simply paste it on the rectangular reflective object that you call your rear view mirror. I don’t think you’d be missing much, that’s how little the scenery behind you changes on any given day.

It does get interesting sometimes when traffic is at a dead stop and you are bored out of your mind. Then you look up to see a woman, her mouth forming a perfect O as she applies mascara to her eyelashes and then attaches a metallic object that appears like a torture instrument, but is in fact a harmless eyelash curler. Just as she is in the middle of curling her eyelashes, the traffic inches forward and she drives forward with the thing attached to her eyelashes. Why is it so important to have curled eyelashes that would be batted at a computer screen for 99% of her day? In fact harried women provide the most thought provoking rear viewed moments. Why did she not apply all her make up at home? Perhaps there wasn’t enough time? She wanted to get out of the house just in time so she could miss the very crawl of which she was now a part, but a part of her knew that the crawl would offer ample opportunity to put on the mask through which she would view her world that day. Sometimes you see them taking both their hands off the steering wheel to pat imaginary stray hairs back in place, turning their heads this way and that until they land the most satisfactory pat on the top or sides of their heads.

The men, they have slightly different attitudes. Some like to use these dead hours cleaning their noses and some others leaning out of their windows for animated communication using graphic hand signals with other drivers who have enraged them on the road. Sometimes the men appear almost horizontal in the mirror. They keep their seats at a 150 degree or so angle, simulating a bed. Perhaps they are more concerned with catching up on sleep.

The rear view movie repeats itself everyday with endless reruns of the same episodes. You may not be able to name the characters in the show but you know their faces. You know how long they are going to stay behind you and the exact moment at which they’ll veer to the left or the right of you, tired of staying behind, and raring to pass you and blow right by you. It’s as if they suddenly wake up and ask themselves what they are doing behind a car when they could be finding gaps within the cars or traveling along the shoulders so they could give themselves a traffic advantage and a feeling of being the fittest in this survival scenario. For it is a jungle out there, one in which we’re trapped for good, unless an impulse carries us to an exit we’ve never taken before that leads to a place to which we’ve never traveled before, to the very edge of the boundaries within which we’ve enclosed ourselves.

Friday, December 1, 2006

The Attack of the Pet Peeves

It's as if all my pet peeves are baring their snarling teeth at me and attacking. Yesterday it was the flying spit, today, as I was driving, the driver of the car in front of me flicked his cigarette out the window. It angers me no end when I see anyone do that. Today the burning, glowing remnant of this cigarette hit my windshield. Sparks flew all over as I swerved a little, startled.

I wish people could learn how to behave!

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Strange Days Indeed...!

You don't know what to make of your days sometimes. Mine started with my phone ringing at work, I picked it up and answered, "Pragya speaking". A brusque voice at the other end of the line started speaking sans pause:

"Hello this is Dwight Srules. We recently received a resume from you. In here you state you are looking for an equal opportunity employer. Why is that exactly? Are you in a wheelchair or something? If that's the case then I got to tell you, our doorways are pretty darn narrow around here. Also it doesn't state whether it's a male or a female applicant and what with the weird names these days, we can't tell. But we are looking for girls. Don't call if you are a boy...unless...you like The Lord of the Rings or Battlestar Galactica...in that case do call. For more information about this opportunity please visit our website at..."

I was too startled by this message to make a note of the website address. The message sounded like a recording. So strange that it came to me! (ps: I don't have any resumes circulating and never in a million years would it state I am seeking an equal opportunity employer!) How bizarre!I put the phone down in complete bafflement.

Then I glanced over to my office plant on the window sill. It looked dead! Never have I seen a deader plant! What's strange about this is that the last time I glanced at it, maybe a couple of days ago, it was a healthy plant being watered once a week by the plant waterer guy. WHAT HAPPENED??
It is disconcerting enough to see a dying plant; fills one with all kinds of insecurities about ones nurturing abilities but a dead one, or a dead one that was alive till a couple of days ago? Don't know what to make of that.

Then it was lunch time and during my daily stroll to the place where I pick up a few bites to eat, what struck me as odd, even though I witness the same scenes every day, was the city moving on at a steady clip, people unconcerned about anything around them, absorbed in their pocket gadgetry and electronic leashes, in a sleep like state. It felt like a dream. The kind of dream where you could walk over and around things without being concerned about their obstacle like qualities. I skirted around a hot dog vendor who was maneuvering his hot dog cart blindly, unable to see exactly where he was headed. I crossed the streets as I always do, just before the walk sign appears and as soon as the other traffic light turns yellow, some cars and buses ended up blocking the sidewalk but I walked around them as well as if they weren't even there, the other pedestrians did the same.

The next sight is a frail old woman on the sidewalk. I have seen her before. She has been arranging her old shoes, old clothes, knick-knacks - the kind people arrange on their mantelpieces or above the crocheted TV covers - as if she's setting up shop. All the things she's so meticulously laying out are old and shabby and for sale! She appears to be selling all her meager possessions. Yet it's only my peripheral vision that's capturing this scene. My eyes are downcast as are hers, she never looks up or away from the hanging and arranging activity. I am too disconcerted to look her way and I feel ashamed. I wonder if her pride would allow her to accept money if I offered it or would she insist on handing me one of her old things for the money? I don't want to find out and I don't like myself too much for not wanting to find out.

Walking back with my lunch in my hand, I see a crowd gathered near 44th Street. The crowds didn't seem to be sleepwalking or moving about in a dream-like state anymore, they looked anxious and upset. As I got closer I saw the reason why. There were police cars all over. Yellow police tape had been placed around a large truck and there was a body covered in white in the middle of the street. People wanted to know what had happened and were asking the cops. The cops just wanted them to stand back and not interfere with police proceedings. I walked away even as I kept glancing back at the scene. I didn't know what had happened or how. I found out a few hours later that the person had been walking off the sidewalk, but close to it. A truck was trying to parallel park and was backing into a spot. The pedestrian was apparently in a blind spot for the truck driver and was hit by it as the driver was reversing. The pedestrian died on the spot.


Th clock strikes five, the work day is over and now it's time for rehearsals for the show I have talked about in earlier posts. It's at a studio that's 20 blocks away. I start walking toward the studio with two other band members. We are, once again, dodging crowds and walking, it's dark, even though it's only five. And then, out of the blue something wet and slimy lands right on the left side of my eyeglasses. Had I not had glasses on it would have landed in my eye. I still don't know what it was! It wasn't bird droppings even though it fell from up above, in fact it was the same consistency as spit. But unless someone stuck their head out of the skyscrapers and spit, there was no way spit could have landed right on me from up above. Once again I am baffled and much more than just a little bit disconcerted, not to mention completely grossed out, for want of a more appropriate expression. I took off my smeared glasses and held it at arm's length. I had to wipe some of the stuff off my forehead too and didn't know what to do with my hands. The folks I was walking with tried to reassure me that it wasn't anything nasty, that it was just water from the window air conditioners above, but the consistency was too spit-like for my comfort. I had to duck into the nearest delicatessen and use their restroom to clean my hands and face to my satisfaction (and actually I am still not satisfied!). This is also strange because just this morning as I walked to work I was upset and angry about the crowded New York streets where so many walkers didn't think twice about turning their heads and spitting. That is the nastiest habit certain humans have. I remember thinking - "Do they even look around to see if anyone is near them before they do that?" - and it seems come evening I fell victim to my worst fears!

It reminded me of an instance a few years ago. I had watched Alfred Hitchcock's - The Birds - one night. The next morning I was walkng across the University of Maryland campus, heading for class - when out of nowhere a bird flew straight at me and pecked me on the forehead, nicking me. Is this some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy or weird synchronicity?

That is the last word on this long day that still refuses to end. Goodnight all!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Who's in Control?

Poetry is what I want to write. I don’t believe what I need to say can be said in a prosaic way. It’s about the recent surreality of events. It is about sitting in a living room with scattered toys, a blaring TV, street noises down below, dripping wet watercolors freshly painted by a little girl with words that say how much she loves her Grandma and Grandpa, while the objects of her affection, her Grandpa and Grandma sit facing each other. They’re pensive. There’s relief etched on one of those faces and fear on the other. My own thoughts are homeless; they don’t know which way to turn.

The relief stems from a feeling that the worst is over, that the chapter can finally be closed on this frightening episode. The fear comes from feeling that this is just the beginning of whatever else may still be in store. The fear is voiced in words that speak of entering the deep, dark woods. The relief thinks in terms of emerging at the other side of the woods.

A deterministic attitude prevailed here before. Science was the savior, science was God, choices, consequences and being in control of ones destiny were the way things were. Now there’s talk of fate. Now one wonders about that which has been written and who the writer is. The question of control comes up again, who has the control? Is there such a thing as a grand design and a master manipulator?

We seek parallels in our histories, our mythology; we observe patterns and believe that the patterns would lead to an answer, an answer that may lie somewhere in the near or distant future, ever elusive but out there. We prepare ourselves for an exploration, a journey, a decoding adventure. But just when we get ready to dig in our heels, a voice within urges us to live in the present and take things a day at a time, to do away with the feelings of nostalgia for the present.

But when has it ever been possible to live our lives one day at a time? It sounds good, it sounds sound, but the future has a nasty way of encroaching on the present, of showing us the skeletal versions of faces that are animated and full of life today, of wrinkled skins and rheumy eyes, of unremembered histories and unfulfilled expectations.

Friday, November 17, 2006

"Beat" Back the Blues

It has been a great couple of days with news that Dad was steadily improving and the situations I found myself in.

I enjoyed rehearsals again on Thursday night. I probably did marginally better than the last time, in that I got a sense of how singing in unison on back up vocals (BVs in the rock band lingo) and singing a different key, while harmonizing, works. I was able to do that well enough. But I still didn’t do as well as the music director expected on keeping the beat. He kept showing me different ways of doing it, tapping my foot four times, or taking a deep breath at the pause or listening for the snare drum on the backbeat (terms I didn’t even know until last night!) but no matter what he tried I either came in a fraction of a second sooner or later. At one point I felt I was being punished as the music director set a new exercise for me. He said keep counting one…two…three…four and clapping each time you count, keep going until I ask you to stop. Well!! That is not an easy thing to do! You try doing it some time! It is like being told to write 50 times on the blackboard – “I will not miss a beat…I will not miss a beat…” I thought he would never ask me to stop. But when he saw beads of sweat trickling down my forehead he must have taken pity.

Another member of the band was nicer. He coached me on the basics of rock. Most rock music is a four beat affair he said. He suggested the best way to get a sense of the rock beat was to sit on your speakers at home or to go to any disco joint. If neither was an option and if the only place where you could listen to the music was your car then the best thing to do was to crank up the volume, and turn the bass all the way up. The thump, thump, thump, thump of the speakers would then tell you exactly where the beats were. He asked that between now and December 15th, the day of our show, I should make thumps a part of my inner constitution…like listening to my own magnified heart beat. For the next three weeks I am required to eat, drink and breathe rock.

That has never been too difficult for me. The first exposure to the Beatles, twenty something years ago and I was hooked. There was no turning back. It was the most addictive music I had ever heard. I never was able to describe the reasons for this affinity; I just knew I loved it, just as much as I loved the old Hindi film music I had grown up listening. Now I realize it is this beat, the four beats 1,2,3,4 that just get into your system and get everything thumping. I was just too much of an approximist and too distracted to pay any attention to what was going on in the BVs, the drums and the guitars. I have spent the last few hours learning about terms like downbeat (when beats 1 and 3 are stressed) and upbeat or backbeat (when 2 and 4 are stressed). Why, it works exactly like metered poetry is supposed to work! Perhaps this is why David Israel, whose creativity on this board inspires me, thinks in terms of “beats” when writing his poetry. Poetry is primarily about recitation so beats or stressed and unstressed syllables are equally important. I get it! And that snare drum, I didn’t even know which part of the six-part drum set was known as the snare drum, which is where the backbeat hangs. I am thrilled at this new learning; things that were always there for me to pick up but never before caught my attention. No wonder Bob Seger was inspired to sing – Just take those old records off the shelf/I’ll sit and listen to ‘em by myself/today’s music ain’t got the same soul/I like that old time rock ‘n’ roll – now I can hear each beat as I hum this song. This got me thinking about my other favorite type of music too – old Hindi film songs and lately Indian classical. The focus on beats in rock brought me back to my old frustration with talas. For many months now I have sought some guidance on this subject. Richa was kind enough to enlighten me a few months ago. She had also mentioned in passing, while going over Dhaa Dhin Dhin Dhaa… and teentala, that most rock music worked on this system. My only reaction then was a stunned, “Really??” Now I see it, another revelation. Ever since I started watching the effects of a pumped up bass on the shaking windows of my parked car I see her point, here are the four beats! Such are the fascinating connections that a musically illiterate person stretches to make, rock music another form of teentala??

Certainly lots of scope for idle thinking here, but it certainly lightened the mood quite a bit. And then came the best possible news – my Dad is now off the ventilator, breathing on his own, off the dialysis machine, awake, responsive and talking to us! So off to Canada we go, can’t wait to see him tomorrow. Will be listening to a thumping beat all the way as I look forward to saying – “this too has passed!"

Friday, November 10, 2006

Dad...Get Well Soon...Please

Something didn’t feel right about this trip to Las Vegas even though we have always enjoyed this particular destination in the past. The tickets had been booked several weeks ago but the initial excitement had long since faded. A and A were looking forward to this vacation and couldn’t stop talking about the fun they were going to have. It was supposed to be all work for me and I was stricken with unease on top of it all. I put it down to general exhaustion and tried to appear enthused.

I arrived at the Bellagio on Wednesday, for the first time not in the least bit impressed with this glittering bubble of a place that rises right out of the desert, this one spot of tackiness in the middle of nowhere. I have spent the last two days in conference rooms, listening to dull speeches and panel discussions. I kept thinking I would try to enjoy whatever Las Vegas had to offer on Friday, but the unease remained. Friday morning, as I tried to force down a bite or two of the continental breakfast and coffee before the three hour long conference, my cell phone rang. It was from the 613 area code. All sorts of thoughts raced through my head within the seconds that intervened between my registering the number and answering the phone. A call from Ottawa, at 9:00 AM in the morning couldn’t possibly bear good news. It was my brother. He sounded shaken up. My Dad had been taken to the emergency room of Ottawa General Hospital the night before. The doctors had told him that my Dad’s condition was as serious as serious got. They had said he couldn’t possibly get any sicker. My brother had been asked to contact all family. His voice broke up; he was in tears before he could finish his last sentence. He handed the phone to my Mom who couldn’t get a single word out through her tears. I told them I would find a way to get to Ottawa as soon as possible.

I excused myself from my colleagues and called the airlines to see if I could fly today instead of tomorrow afternoon. I asked them to find me a flight to Ottawa but they weren’t able to. They were, however, able to move up my reservation to a 2:30 PM flight today, flying into Newark airport and landing at 10:13 PM. I am writing from the plane four long hours before I land. I plan to get home by midnight, pack a few things and then drive to Ottawa. I’ll be driving all night and will reach Ottawa by 7:00 AM Saturday morning. I keep repeating the mahamrityunjaya jaap to myself, with my Dad’s smiling visage in mind as I fly, I am not able to do much else. I am only writing because I am not ready to be assailed by the thoughts that will fill my head if I don’t write.

I spoke to my brother before getting on the plane. He said the doctors had induced a comatose condition and were doing their best to get him to respond to antibiotics. He has severe pneumonia. It’s as if his immune system has given up on him completely. I am hoping he will be awake and lucid by the time I reach Ottawa tomorrow. I can’t keep the tears at bay as I think of my brother’s and my Mom’s words spoken through tears. Then I think of the conversation I had with my Dad on Tuesday, before leaving for Las Vegas.

There was a tremendous sense of urgency in his tone. I had called to check on them and make sure they were doing alright before I left for 4 days. I knew there were problems with Dad’s kidney function; his creatinine levels were high at 342. He told me that the doctors had told him that if the levels hit 500 then there would be cause for alarm, until then there was nothing they could do but monitor the levels. He had also mentioned in passing that his White Blood Cell count was very low according to his latest blood test results. But none of it sounded alarming enough for me to anticipate a drastically altered condition of health within 4 days. He sounded strong although the nature of our conversation depressed me no end. He said he was going to India in two weeks with the sole purpose of putting up the Delhi home for sale. He said that it was the only way for him to be able to support themselves in Canada, in an apartment of their own. He had given much thought to his living expenses and believed that the proceeds of the sale could cover a less than lavish existence in Canada for fifteen or so years and that he didn’t think he had fifteen years remaining.

I had told him that I was saddened beyond belief at their decision to sell that home. I find it hard to put in words the feelings that I have for the home in Delhi, but they run deep and, in some far-fetched way, they stop me from feeling unmoored sometimes. I remember how we waited several years for DDA to finish building our flat while we lived in various rented homes in Malviya Nagar. It was a proud moment indeed when Daddy took possession of the flat in 1986. Our pleasure was immense. I recall our elation and have fond memories of the day Daddy, Somi and I went to a light fixture outlet in Greater Kailash 2’s M-Block market. We hand-picked the fixtures for the light above the front door, the living room, the balcony, the terrace, our bedroom, my parents’ bedroom and the dining room…the special light that hung low over the dining table. I remember the customized furniture built by Khemchand. I recollect with pride my painting the front door a rich shade of mahogany and being commissioned to paint permanent rangoli at the doorstep of our neighbor Mrs. Satyavati. I loved it there. I loved knowing all the neighbors and listening in on the conversations as all the neighborhood women got together every afternoon to gossip with my Mom. Every room was special; the colors of the walls picked out with care after reaching familial consensus on which shade suited which room the best. I had never imagined that my parents would consider selling this home in Mandakini Enclave. I am not ready to get unmoored in this manner.

Dad sounded chagrined at my expression of regret at his decision to sell. He said, “Well, what do you propose instead? You never talk to us, you never suggest alternatives. So your Mom and I discuss things and do what we think would be best. We talked to your brother too. He seems to be in favor of selling the home. He says we should wrap things up and make a permanent move to Canada. We had a discussion a couple of days ago about our current living situation. Your Mom brought up the feeling of banishment and he angrily reminded us that we would have continued a stressed and distressed existence had we not taken this step. He reminded us that we had our dignity, our pride and our independence now. He is right, of course he is right. So now we only have one choice, we must sell the house…unless you can think of an alternative.”

I wasn’t able to come up with an alternative; my mind was abuzz with all kinds of white noises and distress signals. I kept thinking of how we went about decorating and making a home out of the house at Mandakini Enclave all those years ago. We always tried to reach consensus. My parents always solicited our opinion. We moved forward as a family. Why has life now fragmented us so? I excused myself from this phone conversation with Dad, I needed to get back to work. He asked then, “Are you tired of listening to me? Ok then, enjoy yourself in Las Vegas.” It was an unforgettable conversation, one that I keep replaying in my head as I fly eastward and as my eyes keep clouding over with tears.

I can’t help but think of the story I was reading during my trip to Las Vegas – Paul Auster’s – The Invention of Solitude. He started his story remarking on how days go by, each one the same as the one gone by until the one day there’s a phone call from a familiar place, at an odd hour, on an odd day and you know in your heart it can’t be good news. His story was about the day he heard the news about his Dad. His news wasn’t good. I choose to believe my news carries hope and that 7:00 AM tomorrow morning will be a glorious new day after which life will once again return to “normal”.

Friday, November 3, 2006

A Day with Princess Aurora

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It was still dark outside, the stars were out and she was probably in the final stages of the deepest part of her sleep cycle. I was wide awake and dressed, rushing around collecting my keys, my gloves and other things that get dumped into the cavernous spaces of my large, brown, leather bag. I was probably going to miss my bus again and I knew I was forgetting something. I ran through the list of things that I always needed to carry and couldn’t think of a single missing thing, but the feeling remained. I decided to leave. As I was walking out I caught sight of her legs. They had poked out of the blanket. I had left them there in that position as I had extricated myself from their possessive comfort about an hour ago, those tiny legs that stayed flung across my belly all night long. I smiled at her nightly request, “Mommy, can you please come to bed now so I can throw my legs around you?” And that’s where they stayed through every turn and changing of sides. For the rest of the day all I would have of her would be the memory of those cute, yet graceful legs that were peeking out from under the blanket this morning.

Another one of those days that would see us separated by 54 long miles. I would have no way of knowing how her day was going. Miss Maguire would stuff her backpack full of notes that I wouldn’t find or read until it was too late. She always draws smiley faces next to a polite request that we open up our child’s backpack for important messages from the teacher. I remember to do it three out of the five days of the week. It still hasn’t become a habit. I can foresee a time when the notes would end with frownies instead of smileys. Meanwhile the neighborhood kids are registered in gymnastics, ballet, tennis or karate classes. Their moms are dutifully transporting them from one event or another to the next thing in their busy little schedules. My daughter is surrounded by little ballerinas, black belts or gymnasts while I field stern gazes and sanctimonious lectures from the neighborhood delinquent mom patrol. I have women telling me how important it is for me to be with my child, another who wants me to do something to ease my husband’s levels of stress, apparently it’s his stress that’s making such a smoker out of him. He needs his cigarettes you see, a need of which I am unaware.

The sanctimony of gossipy neighbors aside, I was open enough to the suggestion that my family is probably not getting as much attention from me as they should be. There are signs of frayed nerves everywhere, signs that we all need our lives to take a different course. The realization that baby steps in the right direction would help me get there allowed me to spend Halloween at home. It would have been too much to ask hubby to be in charge of the costuming and make-up of Princess Aurora’s trick-or-treating day as I lived it up as a cubicle fixture at work. It was probably the best decision I had ever made. Trick-or-treat was a delight, a pure treat for me.

I had been hearing about Princess Aurora for months now. The figurine at the end of her pink umbrella was Princess Aurora I was told. I asked who Princess Aurora was and never got an answer that went beyond, “She is a princess!” No one I knew had heard of this princess, yet this is who she wanted to be for Halloween. Someone then asked if it could be Princess Sleeping Beauty and sure enough a Google search confirmed it! So now we knew! I woke up early and made sure my Princess Aurora looked pretty in pink, not a hair out of place and the tiara perched atop. Sleeping Beauty was awake, excited and radiant. This was the first time in five years that I actually took the time to enjoy Halloween with her. It isn’t an Indian celebration and it has never been a day for which I cared. I didn’t bother to dress her up as a pumpkin or a honeybee the first two years. In her third year I adapted a black sweater of mine to serve as a witch’s outfit for her, no one knew what she was supposed to be, poor thing! Last year I wasn’t around but her Grandma made sure she went out to collect her treats dressed as Cinderella, I only saw pictures. So this year was my first mother-daughter Halloween experience. It also was the first time that I waited with her at the bus stop, saw her climb up the stairs, find herself a seat in the yellow bus and wave to me for a long time as she shouted, “Bye Mommy!” while the bus pulled away. Yes there was a pressure behind my eyelids and tears were straining to spill.

I counted the hours on Halloween, staring at the clock, waiting for sunset so I could take her a-begging for treats and showing the Princess off to the neighbors. I picked her up from school, touched up her make-up and off we were! There were oohs and ahs all around as people told her how pretty she looked and dropped candy in her bag. She was beaming and I was beaming right back at her. It was a sweet day indeed.

Now it’s two days later, I couldn’t sleep past 4 AM. I am typing away, her legs are still draped around me. I stared at her for an hour before picking up the computer, observing the rapid eye movement stage of her sleep. Her eyes are moving, they are half open, I am wondering where she is in her land of dragons, unicorns, princesses and fairies, for there is a mysterious wisp of a smile on her face. And then her hand reaches out and curls around my neck.

It is still dark outside but the clock says it’s five, the time to pull myself away from the tiny limbs draped around me, leaving tiny feet peeking out from under the blanket. But I know baby steps will get me there.

Confessions of an Approximist

There is a sensation that is hard to describe. The clichéd words “deeply satisfying” may work for want of something better but it goes deeper than that. It’s what I, for one, feel when I hear The Doors – Riders of the Storm – for instance, after the words are over and in the extended version the music goes on for a very long time. The lyrics are impressive enough with their rich imagery and the wonder they create. And then the words end and the most amazing electric piano interlude continues. It penetrates each cell of your brain, the music seeps in and saturates. Sometimes getting a deep-tissue full body massage has the same effect, a feeling of satisfaction and contentment so pervasive that the masseur needs to issue a warning before you get yourself in a vertical plane again. Nothing is as deeply satisfying as perfection.

This was how I felt at the rehearsals last night, a sense of awe at the talent hidden within the people I pass by in the hallways or with whom I share a smile in the elevators. There is someone in the band who can play twenty-one instruments, the banjo being the only one he couldn’t master. Even during rehearsals he switches between the acoustic guitar, the bass guitar and the mandolin and he can sing too! There are eight musicians in the band: a drummer, three people on electric guitar, one on mandolin, a piano player and a girl on bass guitar who picked it up for the first time about six months ago. I am one of the three female back up vocalists. This is the first time I have ever been involved in such a thing and what an experience it is!

The music is fun, the people are great and the superficial aspect of the experience is as enjoyable as I had hoped it would be. However, as I sit there, observing and absorbing, I open myself to various insights and realizations about myself, about how I have been approaching this life of mine and my serious shortcomings. The other night I gave myself a new name, one that hasn’t made itself into any dictionaries yet – I think I am an approximist.

If I search my memory and relive old experiences I find that approximate has always been good enough for me. In school if the teacher asked that I “trace” out a map of Africa and bring it in the next day I felt no qualms about simply sketching it, I knew I could draw and sketch well and thought nothing about missing the nuances that the trace would have captured. I was so proud of my drawing and at the close approximation that I was stunned when my teacher deemed it unacceptable. The same trends continued throughout. I focused on the fundamentals and absorbed the big picture, details were not for me, I didn’t have enough patience for the inner workings of things. Perfectionists always bored me, most of the times I failed to see the point of the extra energy needed to render things absolutely perfect. I decided against becoming a doctor because even though life sciences fascinated me I knew a doctor was a person who could not afford to gloss over the details, something I would naturally tend to do.

But I am older now and not necessarily wiser, but trying to be, and every time I watch this attention to detail in action I find myself fascinated. Just as I have been confident in my ability to draw, sketch and paint, I have always been complacent in the realization that there isn’t a tune out there that I couldn’t pick up and sing exactly as the original was rendered. Of course I never sang to the accompaniment of an instrument and never had to pay any attention to the beats, the timing or being in sync with the musicians. I just sang and that was good enough for me and my audience of close friends and relatives. Then one day the CEO of a company I worked for a few years ago spoke to us at an annual event. He talked about being passionate about what we did – the speech wasn’t much different from your standard corporate pep talk – but as part of his presentation he played for us a recording of the making of the Beatles’ classic – Strawberry Fields. This was mesmerizing, perhaps I was the only one mesmerized, but it is quite unforgettable to me. One could hear John, Paul, George and Ringo tuning their instruments, finding the right notes, the right sounds, even the right lyrics over several iterations. They scrapped their efforts so many times before coming up with the perfect version that we hear today.

The music director and the musicians at our band were doing the same. With 11 of us in the room, the director was instructing minute revisions and combinations of harmonies, melodies, acapella segments with such frequency and such skill that we felt as if he was painting a portrait with just the right mix of colors, perspective and brushstrokes, an artist at his finest. How attuned his ears must be to the sound, to the effect our performance was likely to have on the audience! How did he know when to kill the music and go acapella and when to let the guitar or the base guitar happen and when the drums would make all the difference in the world? It was an eye-opener for me, especially since I don’t do anything with such care and such nurturing.

This was evident in my own performance. I was managing my backup vocals well enough until I was told to sing two lines from the song – Love Train by the OJs – solo: “The next stop that we make will be England/Tell all the folks in Russia and China too…”. I knew I had to do these lines solo and had been practicing in the car, in the shower, anywhere I could, all week. I thought I had the tune just right but I was to get my comeuppance at rehearsal that night. I was asked to repeat the lines ten or more times and I still couldn’t get it right. My debacle was the transition between the first and the second line. After the first line I was supposed to pause for about four beats and start the second line soon as a “clang” on the drum sounded. I was always either too quick or too slow in the transition. On another occasion I was asked to do a duet with a guy who was on guitar and standing behind me. I was required to come in at the same time as him after a lead vocalist finished harmonizing. But since he stood behind me, I could never manage coming in at the same instant, had I been attuned to listening the musical cues I wouldn’t have had this problem. Someone suggested I face him but the music director nixed that idea stating quite sternly that on stage band members should be able to coordinate without having to face each other.

What a blow to my arrogance, my complacence! Now I know that the last thing good music and singing is all about is having good vocal chords and the ability to carry a tune, timing, coordinating, being in sync go so much further and add so much finesse to that which one is creating. Choreography, concert, perfection are not to be glossed over if one is to be passionate about ones life, loves, interests…a message a certain professor conveyed to me at a musical evening in Bangalore earlier this year as well.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Sometimes I Pretend...

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Sometimes I pretend I am just going about my business like adults often do, not paying much attention to their kids. But I was just pretending, I didn't want her to feel self-conscious, nor did I want her to see the expression of complete incredulity on my face. I kept loading the trunk of the car while she exclaimed, "Mommy! A wishing flower!" She plucked out one of these wispy looking weeds from the lawn and spoke her wish out aloud, "I wish for magic so that we get so much money that Mommy and Daddy can stay home with me and play and never have to go to work again." Then she proceeded to blow the wispy petals away. It was certainly one of those moments that you can only experience with a five year old.

She is really enjoying being five too. She said, "Mommy you can't believe how incredible it is to be five. I can draw a starfish, a coconut tree, a shark, a dinosaur and I can jump down two steps at a time. I am loving it!"

Little does she know how much I am enjoying her five year old-ness!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Express Yourself

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In Paul Auster’s novel, The Book of Illusions, a filmmaker, Hector Mann, makes films that he doesn’t want the world to see. The instructions in his will are clear, every remaining copy of all the films he has ever made need to be burnt within twenty-four hours of his death. He has made these movies for himself, simply for the sake of making them, for the pleasure he felt from making them.

But he falters in his resolve. He invites a writer, David Zimmer, to his ranch. He wants him to view the movies. David Zimmer knows that the Hector Mann is drawing his last few breaths and that he doesn’t have enough time to view each masterpiece in the vault. He panics at the thought of the world missing out on these works of genius.

And so it is with any form of expression. Is there such a thing as writing for oneself, painting for oneself, making films for our own viewing pleasure, blogging for catharsis alone, expressing oneself eloquently just for the pleasure of expressing oneself? I think such a thing would be about as satisfying as muttering or yelling to oneself within the confines of ones room or padded cell as the case may be. I believe we need an audience, an appreciative or, at the very least, a sympathetic one, at that. Even if we have little to say that may interest the world, even if we have nothing new to add to the collective evolution of thoughts and feelings, our perspective, we feel, is unique and we want to share it. It buys us an iota of minor immortality, a sense that we’ll be leaving a part of ourselves behind. Even if the value of this left behind part may be questionable to future generations; what our future generations will question or accept, after all, isn’t really our concern.

Some insist they write for themselves and are not interested in what others have to say about their work. That may be true but don’t they still want people reading what they have to say? They may not care about what others have to say about their work, but I am certain they want to be read.

And we don’t really have to worry on that front either because no matter what we want to say, there is an audience out there. People want to be unique but even as they try to distinguish themselves and stand apart, they still seek resonance in other thoughts, other actions. Why else would I have scoured about fifty blogs today, reading the latest posts, searching for kindred spirits? The search wasn’t entirely satisfactory today but the pleasures of going to the “next blog” are immense, if only to see what others are talking about, what they felt the need to immortalize in cyberspace this 14th day of September.

Random Conversation

“Excuse me…”

“Yes?”

“Are you waiting for the bus to New York?”

“Yes I am.”

“Does it show up at 7:45 and reach Port Authority by five of nine?”

“Well no, we’ll probably be there by 9:15.”

“I just want someone to be honest with me! The lady at the Lakeland Bus office said I’d be in the city by five of nine!”

“Well, they say that but there’s always rush hour traffic at this time, so it’s possible we could get a little delayed.”

“Ok, but they shouldn’t say what they don’t mean! Anyway, would you mind if I stayed with you?”

“Not at all.”

“I just had to do it today, I’ve been postponing this all along but they should be able to do something for me.”

“What’s the problem?”

“Well it’s my knees. They’ve operated upon it so many times…it doesn’t help. Nothing works. And the doctor here tells me he can’t do a thing. So I called up the surgeon who did the original surgery. You see… he was nice to me on the phone and asked me to come on over. He said he would take a look. I am going to show him my x-ray. I am sure my knee-cap is broken in a thousand places even though the doctor here says it looks fine.”

“So what time is your appointment with him?”

“10:15”

“Ok. You’ll get there in time.”

“Yes, I think so. May I sit with you on the bus? Will you tell me where to go once we get off?”

“Sure. No problem.”

“May I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“Are you from India?”

“Yes I am.”

“I thought so. There are these other Indian people I know. Nice man. He came to the Quik Chek with his daughter to get some coffee. He was Hindu, not that it matters. Are you Hindu too?”

“Yes I am.”

“I liked him. Even though it was a little hard for me to understand him. I do have a little trouble hearing. Then there was this other Indian girl - Aruna. She was my neighbor. I couldn’t understand her when she talked. I even told her – ‘I am slightly deaf, can you repeat yourself?’ But no, she had her nose in the air. She told me – “I don’t like to speak too loud!’ So she lost my friendship. But most Indians I meet I like.”

“Can I just stay with you until I leave the bus terminal?”

“Yes, sure. So who’s the doctor you’re going to see in the city?”

“Do you watch TV?

“Yes?”

“Did you watch the US Open?”

“No I didn’t.”

“You know what the US Open is, right?”

“Yes, of course!”

“Well, my doctor was on it! He is the surgeon who was on call for the players. They kept showing him on TV. He’s good. My rabbi recommended him to me. You do know what a rabbi is, right?”

“Yes I do know what a rabbi is. The doctor sounds good, I am sure he’ll be able to help you.”

“Pardon me, what did you say?”

“I said yes I do know what a rabbi is and that your doctor sounded good. I am sure he can help you.”

“Oh yes, he says he can. Someone has to. I have just had it. I can barely move. I can’t tell you how I am taking myself to NYC today. I’ve been up since 3 AM thinking about this. I kept watching TV all night even though I can’t hear. I just have the captions on.”

“How did it happen in the first place?”

“How did what happen?”

“Oh your knee injury.”

“My what?”

“YOUR KNEE INJURY.”

“Oh, wow, you’re loud. I am just a little deaf. Well, the first time it happened I was 26 and my hip popped. I can’t tell you how many times my hip has popped since then. I was swimming the other day and it popped again. I couldn’t move. I was just hanging by the side of the pool. Then this maintenance guy came along. I told him – my hip has popped – I can’t move. He wanted to call the ambulance but I said no. Can’t deal with ambulances. So he asked me what I planned to do. I thought he could help me get out of the pool but he didn’t want to. Don’t know what he thought would happen, I just kept hanging there, couldn’t move this way or that and the guy kept looking at his watch. But I can’t help it. My hip just pops. He just kept asking if he could get the ambulance for me. I finally let him get me the ambulance seeing how I wasn’t going to get out of the pool otherwise. I keep falling. I just topple over backwards. Are there too many escalators to take in Port Authority?”

“Yes, quite a few.”

“You’ll be with me, right?”

“Sure.”

“My daughter told me not to talk to anyone on my way to the city. But you look all right. I think I can talk to you. She said not to say a word. She told me not to get in an elevator full of people, especially one with another man. She also told me not to sit on the bus with another man. She said not to talk, not to tell anyone where I lived, where I was going or tell them how much money I have on me. Now why would I tell anyone that? Although I do want to talk to someone about pulling out all my investments from Smith Barney and putting it somewhere else. That place was my rabbi’s suggestion and they just don’t want to touch my money. It just sits there, they don’t invest it in anything!”

“Really? She said not to be in an elevator or a bus next to a man?”

“Yes. But you know, she’s young and pretty. Maybe this is what she has found works best for her. Can I sit with you?”

“Yes.”

“Let me show you the list of things she told me not to do…oops! I think I left the list at home. I’m telling you, it is about yay long…it has all kinds of instructions for me. Oh well, doesn’t look like I have it though!”

“What does you daughter do?”

“Oh she just got arrested for disorderly conduct. She was stopping the condo people from building on green acres. They said it was green acres. They lied. They started building there. She told them to stop and the mayor got her arrested. The old mayor was a friend of mine, this one doesn’t like me. I told my daughter to move to California. She lives there now. My son lives with me.”

“What does your son do?”

“He’s had a tough life. He’s 38. Things never really worked out for him. Now he is going to school to become a medical technician. I really think he needs to find someone to marry. I can’t sleep all night. I keep watching the Animal Planet. It was so sad what happened to my friend Steve Irwin. I loved him.”

“Yes it is quite sad.”

“The stingray got him, it didn’t even mean to. You know him right? You know what stingrays are?”

“Yes it was very sad. Yes I do know what stingrays are.”

“What did you say?”

“I said I do know what stingrays are.”

“I am sorry. I told you I was a little deaf. I am thinking of getting a CI.”

“Ah a cochlear implant!”

“Yes! I was going to ask if you knew what CI was! You seem very knowledgeable. You don’t even have much of an accent.”

“Thanks. Looks like the bus is on schedule. You’ll get there just in time.”

“Oh! Will you please help me down the stairs? I am sorry but you don’t know how many times I have fallen.”

“Sure. I’ll take you downstairs.”

“Indians are really nice people. Thank you so much.”

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

Harvest Moon

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On Wednesday night
when it’s your turn
to take the garbage out
and you saunter to the curb
with your head hung low
and arms weighed down,
something whispers,
calls out your name,
and peeking through the lattice
of a maple
readying for fall,
from between two homes
silhouetted across
Winding Hill Drive,
it greets you.
It’s made an appearance
just for you,
tonight.

Descended
from the heavens,
for a tête-à-tête
with you!

Your bags
are suddenly weightless,
a glow travels down,
from your head
to your toes,
this harvest moon,
you’re blessed.

Movie Review: The Ice Storm

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Mikey Carver (Elijah Wood) bundles himself up in his warmest jacket and saunters out in the ice storm, drawn irresistibly, compelled beyond reason or rationality into this seemingly pristine setting of frozen trees, frozen streets and shimmering icicles, nature’s glass palace in Connecticut. This is the kind of day he relishes, a day when the “smell molecules” cannot be inhaled they are frozen in space. He slides on the roads, slips on icy planks and stares mesmerized at the frozen, swaying branches in this ice storm. In his final moments he is entranced by the fireworks from a broken overhead power cable as it swishes through the air creating an amazing display of fireworks.

Mikey is just one of the six teenagers trying to imprint something on the empty pages of their minds, they are grasping for straws in a world that their parents have given up trying to understand a very long time ago. They emulate the falsely animated antics of their parents who have been rendered mere facsimiles of the people they once were. Parents who have failed to equip their kids with any means of understanding what their gradually awakening senses perceive. The hollow, termite ridden, interiors of their psyches are so terrifying and so chilling that the audience is as mesmerized as Mikey Carver’s character was with the terrifying ice storm.

All characters here are encased in several layers of ice, they are beautiful, prosperous people with friends, neighbors, kids, and beautiful Thanksgiving Day spreads on their dining tables but they have long since lost touch with their pre-cryonic states.

Benjamin Hood (Kevin Kline) is found in bed with his enchanting neighbor Janey Carver (Sigourney Weaver), who has lit the proverbial cigarette and wears a bored expression on her face as Ben gets conversational and tells her about his aversion to golf. She cuts him short saying he is boring her and that she already has a husband. So he cuts his monologue short pulls up his pants and heads home. The joylessness and the meaninglessness of the act prove to be no hindrance to the driving desire to repeat the same ordeal the next day and the next. “Key parties” where spouse swapping is the much-anticipated culmination of an evening are normal occurrences in the danse macabre of this prosperous neighborhood. To the characters in question there is something compelling about passionate mindlessness; a theme that runs through every scene of the movie. The children never talk to the parents; the parents don’t offer much more than four walls, a roof and sustenance to their kids. Jim Carver (Henry Czerny), for instance, arrives home one day and announces that he is home only to have Mikey ask if he was away. The disconnect, the cold, chills the viewer to the bone.

I do want to pick up the book since movies often gloss over the various layers of meaning that a book conveys, especially in the case of this directorial venture of Ang Lee. The director did a fine job, I felt, but critics have found the movie flat, monotonous and joyless.

Makes me wonder about the point of expecting the conveyance of joy in a subject that is essentially devoid of joy? If life is flat and monotonous in suburban Connecticut, or for that matter anywhere else in the world, where souls are encased in sheets of ice, then a director who is able to portray this as accurately as Ang Lee has, must receive accolades and not derision at his efforts to portray that which he set out to.

Saying more would give away the story, but I recommend seeing it or stopping the remote while channel surfing, if it happens to be playing. I have found some of my most absorbing and compelling movies this way.

Sunday, September 3, 2006

Fudge

Today Fudge entered our lives! A bright spot if there ever was one all rolled up in a cuddly ball of black and white fur and a wet nose that goes sniffing around the house. He doesn’t think he’s a dog and neither do we.

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He loves being carried around and his humans are more than happy to oblige, especially the little human:

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When assaulted by meaninglessness let a dog enter your lives and watch a five year old face light up with joy!

Saturday, September 2, 2006

Splitting Hairs

My blog announces to the world that I am introspective in the extreme. I traverse endless loops of thoughts that circle in on themselves endlessly until I absorb a nugget or two of learning and move on to the next big adventure of the mind. But introspection often requires a bird’s eye view of the mechanisms within, a need to hover over oneself and examine the causes and consequences of ones actions.

It is 1:40 AM in the morning and some near and dear, loved ones, who stop by this blog, may get mildly concerned about my propensity for extreme introspection at this early morning hour. The room is dark, the house is quiet except for the clickety-clack of my fingers on the keyboard; some much-needed quiet time. But I need to relive the events of the past few days, I need them captured and preserved.

So for the next few hours I’ll become a spectator in this arena of angst and acrimony being played out over several days. I must talk about the events that led to the final hellish destination, conduct “morbidity and mortality” (M & M) analyses of my role in these events.

Here’s my perspective:

  1. Shakespeare & Co. announces a sestina writing theme.

  2. A writer on the network announces his objection. He feels strongly about poetry and is fresh from an experience on another network where he has denounced what he calls “lazy poetry”.

  3. In some ways he’s saying one must learn to walk before one runs.

  4. His objections are noted. But the network is not about to change the weekly theme.

  5. He continues with his objections.

  6. A debate ensues. There are only two participants in this debate. A prolific writer and poet who often experiments with structure and form and is dedicated to the art of poetry and the person above, who doesn’t much care for such experimentation and is adamant about his point that sestina writing is not an appropriate exercise for our network.

  7. The rest of us sit back and watch the progressive escalation of this debate. Calm descends over the network as nothing else gets posted while this important debate unfolds.

  8. Then we sense a change in the winds, the debate turns personal and edgier. Here’s a quote from this debate, the readers can evaluate the astringency of the tone or the offense factor here for themselves:

“My reasons for objecting to the "sestina" as an exercise was that too much bad poetry appears on the board anyway and such an exercise appeared to encourage it. As someone who seems to have no literary device for distinguishing between good and bad poetry, this is clearly not a problem for you. Furthermore, as the great purveyor of, dohas, limericks, 55vers and god knows what else, it was always perfectly clear that an exercise involving "sestinas" would have you at least purring like a cat that's found the cream.Let us have one thing clear: your attitude to poetry and literature is the anomaly and not mine. You are not impressed by the tradition because (it seems) you haven't even read most of it! As I said before, from my point of view, you are like a musician who wants to be a composer, but has never actually bothered listening to the Western tradition. Anyway, you will forgive me for not always being filled with wonder every time you "google" something new. Some of us spent our time reading rather than googling.I might finish by saying that (in my opinion) most of your poems, slap dash as they tend to be, show profound structural weaknesses (now and then, there is a pleasant turn of phrase, which should encourage us not to totally give up on you). Indeed I would love to criticise your forthcoming "sestina" as I imagine such a critique might actually be of some help to you!”

The highlighted sentences here were showing definite signs of escalation but I wasn’t about to do anything yet.

  1. The responses from our experimentally inclined poet here were mild and within acceptable standards of debate. But we weren’t done with the escalation yet. This followed:

It's also worth mentioning that on Ryze boards one needs to keep referring to these points frequently because so few people here seem to have really "read" the classics (nor their criticism!). When someone writes "this was wonderful" do they mean "wonderful" by the standards of this board, or "wonderful" by any standards? Very likely they have never even considered such questions and it is here that criticism can help to keep a balance. Most of what I'm saying would be merely standard stuff in the English Dept. of a Harvard, Yale or Oxford University: in any place that thinks seriously about literature.

At this point of the debate, as moderator I am concerned but not alarmed. I am merely wishing they would stop. I sense that the insults would keep growing and the next post might say something derogatory and insulting to every member of the board. Every moderator who monitors and observes a debate would watch for these signs, I believe.

  1. Then the first of many private messages arrive in my mailbox, expressing concern:

“Have been following the exchange between A and B on the feedback for this week's theme. Am curious, are we allowed to get this personal on a public board? And do you think A's assessment of the general lack of talent may discourage members from posting? It’s one thing to provide constructive feedback for a particular post and another to be generally dismissive. Just curious.”
As I indicated, this was the first of many messages I received about the ongoing debate. It appeared to me that the situation was increasingly unstable and that I needed to do something about it.

  1. I make a decision to close this discussion thread with the following announcement:

This topic needs to be closed now, wouldn't you agree?This discussion has started getting personal and comments have been made in passing that could offend the members of this board in general.You are entitled to your opinions but in this public forum, you are not permitted to make sweeping remarks that show condescension and dismissiveness toward members of the board, nor do we need to witness personal attacks. This is not the place for it.”

The thread was closed. One of the parties to the debate politely inquired as to why I had taken such an action and I told him that I had to consider the wishes of all members of the board. He may or may not have agreed with my decision but he didn’t pursue the matter any further.

However the next thing that the original objector to the sestina did was post a piece on his blog that speculated that Shakespeare & Co. was a network run by two bankers one of whom was steeped in literature and the other (me) who hadn’t a clue about literature and that the network was a means to finance an operation where Indian students in America were transformed into Americans. He went on to express disdain about the network and its members and suggested that he would continue to use that particular corner of cyberspace as a means to receive free advertising for his own works of literature.

I was shocked and stunned by this post. Mostly stunned at its tone, its viciousness and its paranoid nature. It seemed to appear out of nowhere because I had always had cordial, if not friendly, interactions with this person. I had found him rude, arrogant and abrasive but respected the fact that he wrote well. I had even spent several tedious hours archiving all the stories he had ever posted on the board and giving him a special link and place of prominence on the web page of the network. He had even uttered something complimentary about the effort. He had on occasion praised some of my own writing as well. This person is a friend of a friend and I always heard that he was a quiet, unassuming sort of person. So considering that background I was stunned beyond belief to see what he had posted.

There have been other events in my moderating history, events which haven’t made sense to me because they have failed to fit any frames of reference I carry around in my head. This incident topped them all. So my immediate reactions were captured in the post you may or may not have seen below.
The post made by this writer and my own reactive post took on the status of a long drawn out war over the next few days. I was thankful to have many supporters and upset to see a steady stream of venom spewed on his blog from people who had called themselves my friends before.

Things have quieted down today after I made the decision to remove this writer from the network. I didn’t want someone who felt such animosity toward our group, who wanted nothing to do with our board except the use of free advertising space and was increasingly abusive to us, to continue to be associated with us.

That should be the end of this sordid story, shouldn’t it? Except in my mind there still are unresolved issues that have nothing to do with the boorish behavior of this individual.

  1. Did I do the right thing in closing the increasingly volatile thread that threatened to upset the members of the board?

  2. Did I do the right thing in removing this member from the network?

Those are the two immediate questions. The other questions I need to ponder, even if it means the attribution of some credibility to the rantings of this madman:

  1. Is it better to say nothing at all if I am not sufficiently inspired by something that is posted on the board, than to offer words of encouragement and occasionally, gentle critique to the members of the board?

  2. How far can I let matters escalate before it becomes important for me to step in and moderate?

  3. How concerned must I be when facing a barrage of emails and private messages that recommend a certain course of action, should I act on them immediately or should I let things play out until the discussion in question loses steam or enters the territory of irretrievable damage or irreversible disaster?

  4. How important is it to try and keep everyone happy?

  5. Should disruptive members be kept on board indefinitely or should they be banished if the majority feels they should be?

I know the answers to many of these questions, intuitively, even as I write them out, yet they still fall in the “easier-said-than-done” territory when events are actually unfolding before me.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

There's a Coterie!!

When you get to know people through a virtual medium, do you get to know them better? Do truer pictures of who they really are emerge more rapidly, as on Polaroid film, rather than on film that needs to be turned in for dark room development and is seen at a later date?

Perhaps you do. Over the past few years I have befriended many people through contact established on the Internet. Mostly by virtue of running a network of writers on a social and business networking site – Ryze Business Networking. Many of these connections feel strong and binding, the friendships established, unshakeable, come hell or high water. Then there are the others, oh so many others, who appeared normal and sane at the outset. They presented themselves as people who had something substantially larger than a pea knocking around within the confines of their skulls.

The writers’ network is flourishing and the quality of writing remains high. I can, at the very least, vouch for the quality of prose that we get to read on this network and for the most part I am proud of what my friend and I created in one moment of disenchantment with another network. I am not in a position to say much about the poetry. I certainly enjoy reading and analyzing poetry and have even attempted verse. But I express myself better in prose. Most poetry I read on this network and others is either incomprehensible to me or inconsequential. It has always amazed me to see how poetic people can get about love and angst.

But, I digress; poets have always been as welcome on Shakespeare and Company as have prose writers. Humor is also an integral part of how we write and an underlying subtext in how the network wants to progress and grow. So things should be hunky-dory, shouldn’t they? Well, I don’t know if it is jealousy or the affinity for disequilibrium that members of our species show. They get tired of seeing a good thing; they get tired of things running on an even keel and are always on the look out for creative ways to summon chaos. They want to unsettle things, they set out with a wrecking ball; the idea of breaking, damaging and later settling down to analyze the results of the destruction they wrought, like erudite scholars, is of immense appeal to them.

I have a fairly healthy self image. I have a strict sense of fairness, my objectivity knows no equals (not amidst my contacts), I treat people with respect believing that is the only way to get respect and, most importantly, I am consistent in my behavior. I don’t present myself as someone one day and as an evil, alien twin of this someone the next day. It is precisely this trait in people that I don’t understand, and in fact abhor. I have no patience for inconsistency even if the excuses offered are:

“I had a bad day”
“I don’t know what I was thinking”
“I was off my Prozac”
“I suffer from bipolar disorder”

I just don’t have the genes that it takes to understand inconsistent people or to sympathize with their condition. I don’t change from day to day, so do not change on me.

So back to the original question, do you learn about two-faced, inconsistent people sooner online than you do in a real interaction? In a virtual interaction, other than the ubiquitous Yahoo emoticons, there is no way to observe body language, no way to read between the lines or to collate and compile subtleties of communication from that which is left unsaid. But perhaps one could see a cyber connection as one where the message is pure, from brain to fingers, to high speed cables to the screen of the person you’re addressing; messages that are not disguised by the aforementioned non-verbal cues. So maybe the masks drop sooner. In my experience they have and every time a new ugliness is revealed in all its glory, it takes my breath away. An analogy would be an unsuspecting victim of a house on fire who decides to make an exit through a door and turns the knob only to be blasted into nothingness by lashing tongues of fire.

People are often adamant on the stances they choose to adapt. Calling a truce, talking things through, trying to be objective and seeing things from other perspectives is out of the question, although these ideals of human behavior often get significant lip service, in all quarters. They are given names like “healthy discussions”, “agreeing to disagree”, while getting even more firmly entrenched in dogma and a belief that one is always correct no matter what.

Running a network, occasionally two, has been quite the learning experience. Shakespeare and Company – a network of writers on Ryze - is nothing more than what it says it is – a network of people who enjoy writing English correctly and derive pleasure out of having their work read as well as from reading what others write. We never said we would train people to write well. We are not professional literary critics. We don’t have contacts in the publishing world and we exist as a network only because I pay Ryze $100 per year for us to exist. C’est tout. But people never cease to amaze me with the expectations they have. Some causes of dissatisfaction, accumulated over a year and a half, are summarized below [these are paraphrased and said in context, not direct quotes]:

  1. I was staging a play and Shakespeare and Company ignored my requests for the provision of a ‘corpus’ for my audience. They also ignored my pleas for an army of photographers and videographers.

  2. Some of us are merely tolerated and unfairly “critted” while others garner favorable feedback. I thought I would learn at this network but I am mostly ignored.

  3. No one reads my poetry.

  4. I am just here to post; I don’t care what others are writing.

  5. I only read Individual A. Others are not worth my time.

  6. No one comments on what I write.

  7. I thought this was a network of serious writers so how come I see so many humorous posts?

  8. Why are so many people using pseudonyms? There are fake people on the network.

  9. Individual A = Individual B, believe you me.

  10. If I can’t use obscenities while commenting on others works then I feel my freedom of expression is being violated. The moderator is a Nazi.

  11. I want the freedom to call the members of the board morons. I want to make personal verbal attacks on people and if you stop me I will draw the conclusion that your network is a front for transforming Indians into Americans, especially since you work in the finance industry.

  12. I will offer one word feedback to people and say “nice work”, “wonderful”. I won’t acknowledge or thank people for their praise of my work. Yet when others do the same I will once again repeat that the network is full of morons.

  13. I can’t bear this network, but I’ll continue to lurk, use it as free advertisement for my stories.

  14. I will greet people’s posts by typing up “YAAAAAAAAAWN” as a response.

  15. I will write bad English, clichéd stories and pathetic love poems and if you don’t respond I’ll tell the world through my blog that the network does not appreciate good work.

  16. Oh and the poem someone wrote, about the ‘love poetry’ genre the other day? Well, that was a nasty personal attack on me. I won’t post here anymore and I will sever ties with any friends who post here as well. They will have to choose between me and this network.

  17. There’s a coterie! A nefarious ring!

This last often has me wondering if I should employ a private investigator to unearth this conspiratorial coterie. How dare there flourish a coterie on a network I moderate that doesn’t include me!!

Despite these provocations my stance has usually been one of leaving things alone and letting them resolve or die out by themselves. Reacting only aggravates matters. But perhaps I can say a few words that express my astonishment at what people feel they have a right to tell me, or the libelous remarks they feel they have a right to spew just because they think the Internet is largely standards-free. They fail to realize how lax my standards are on the network as opposed to the behavior I would expect from people who cross the threshold of my home. There is a code of conduct in my home. You can’t enter unless you are invited. If you litter, if you verbally abuse people, if you generally behave deplorably then chances are you will be thrown out. Or perhaps your presence will be tolerated once but you will never be invited again. Also, the people who accept my invitation, I would assume, would be people who share a fondness for me and my family. If that is not the case, I expect they would either turn down the invitation or wouldn’t have been invited in the first place. But if you wreak havoc within my boundaries you will certainly be paid in kind. Not so on the network; there are considerable freedoms on the network.

Before getting a driver’s license in the United States one is told driving ones car on the roads of this country is a privilege not a right. And so it should be with network participation, with being a guest in someone’s home, it should be seen as a privilege and not a right. And one certainly does not have the right to stop being a civilized human being simply because one is a member of a cyber community.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Pacific Northwest on My Mind - Sestina

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Up empty streets lined with alpine greens,
Heading for a log home in the mountains
of the west, that would be ideal, I feel.
The neighbors would be more than a handshake
away and the green grocer, at the bottom
of the hill, next to the lone gas station.

Once a month I’d drive down to this station
To feed the car and get bread, milk and greens
and show Mae Jean the face that hit rock bottom
once, in a quest to climb every mountain.
Things would be simpler. My steely handshake,
a trifle overdone, I sense Mae Jean would feel.

Yes, Mae Jean would heal these wounds, I feel.
I’d walk the line like my radio station’s
Oft-played Cash song and would finally shake
these blues, leave them scattered amidst the greens
that take my breath away. In these mountains
her love would pull me up from the bottom

to live! For once you hit rock bottom
and can't dream or love or laugh or feel
That’s when you leave, and head for the mountains.
Confusion, long lines at bus stations,
complete exhaustion, pallor - sickly green,
inconsequential specks I must shake

loose for Mae Jean. I’d relax the handshake,
grab a fishing rod, reel in some bottom
feeders*, while she prepares the salad greens.
Then choose a vintage wine, one we can feel
going down smooth. She’d wait at the gas station
bags in hand, for a night in the mountains,

with an easterner in awe of mountains,
who extends a most uncertain handshake
as he unlearns, unwinds at this station
unfamiliar, scraping the bottom
of his waders in the meadow’s lush greens.
Revived, resplendent, just how life should feel!

I dream of mountains, curled at the bottom,
Crumpled, shaken and dejected I feel,
longing for Mae Jean and those verdant greens.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Letter from NYC -2

On my way to NYC today, I was reading a book of haikus. Someone corrected me and said that the plural of haiku is still haiku. But I persist in saying ‘haikus’. Since haiku isn’t an English word it is as easy to say that the plural demands an ‘s’ as it is to say it doesn’t. Who makes the rules about plural forms of words that aren’t English?

But I have digressed. I was reading this book that I purchased at the British Museum. That itself sounds strange and irrational enough, in retrospect. Why would one buy such a book at a museum? Perhaps because the museum suggested “Shop and Exit”? I took that as a command, I always obey the shopping god’s commands.

So now I am idly browsing through this book of haiku(s), to learn about this form of poetry and to understand why it captivates the imagination so. Why are poets so taken by this form? The authors of the book suggest that a haiku conveys a profound sentiment in as few words as possible using nature and the seasons as useful tropes. The idea being that our wants and desires are often effectively mirrored in nature. Nature encapsulates our wistfulness, sadness, joy, anger perfectly. A harvest moon, a new leaf, the clouds, a bend in the river, sunset, sunrise, dewdrops, they all have a story to tell in a haiku. That is indeed fascinating. But, in that context, how sincere are these modern day efforts?

Or am I the only one, who is so far removed from anything natural, who finds it insincere? I don’t remember the last time I saw a dewdrop on a blade of grass, or a river bend, or glanced up at the stars or stared at the moon. Instead I am eating food laced with additives, breathing toxic fumes and generally functioning like a wound up toy. And let’s not be too glib about the word ‘natural’. What is natural? Isn’t man a part of nature and therefore aren’t the things man makes natural as well? Or as someone suggested, isn’t synthetic as natural as authentic? Well then, why don’t we see more haiku works that use synthetic elements – skyscrapers, industrial waste, processed foods, Blackberries, cell phones, Web 2.0, Hummers?

Well, back to the book and a haiku within – about an angler and the intensity of his effort in the evening rain:

The angler –
His dreadful intensity
In the evening rain!
- Buson


That’s all the haiku essentially says but it has the power of sending ones thoughts scampering toward the angler, his dreadful intensity, is it simply a single-minded dedication to this pastime? What brings him to the river on a rainy evening? Why the dreadful intensity? So much more is left unsaid here than is actually said, what was said simply underscores that which was left unsaid. The ‘evening rain’ and the ‘dreadful intensity’ in this case seem to have done all the talking. Conveying to the reader that which needed to be conveyed with the barest minimum of words. It is subtle, delicate and satisfying.

However, the thing that satisfies the most here is also the thing that makes one yearn for simpler times for fewer discordant notes, less din, a grounded feeling, a richness of existence. I am indifferent to most haiku because they seem incongruous in a world where I rouse myself from bed exactly at 5:17 AM, check my emails at 5:48 PM and then turn the computer off and leave for work at 6:00 AM. I take the same bus everyday, see the same people, do exactly the same inconsequential things: taking off my iPod headphones, wrapping the cord around the gadget, walking 10 steps to the office kitchen where I add an inch of half-and-half, one Sweet N Low and one packet of sugar in a Styrofoam cup before pouring my Columbian coffee in it. Then taking measured steps back to my desk so the coffee doesn’t spill and turning the computer on to begin the day of work. Any missed step in the morning’s choreography feels like a grain of sand would in contact lens wearing eyes (like on Fridays when the half-and-half carton is empty and one has to make do with skim milk coffee).

Apparently I am not the only one who feels this way either. The paper had an article about the pre-work rituals of most people. There are certain things that need to happen in exactly the same sequence from the time one wakes up to the time one settles in to an eight hour stretch of work. The article (WSJ of 8/14/06 – “Cubicle Culture”) suggested (heavily paraphrasing) that sticking to this routine, however meaningless it may seem, gave us a sense of victory or control before we gave in to a day where the opportunities for us to be ourselves would be close to non-existent and laced with minor, albeit soul-destroying, defeats.

Sad commentary on what we’ve become; pathetic facsimiles of what we dreamt we would be. There is no magic in the full moon peeking in through the skylight, the sunrise only serves to blind us as we navigate our way through a crowded six-lane highway, dewdrops on blades of grass or leaves? Perhaps a stray drop on the leaf of the office ficus that the Brazilian plant-waterer just watered, a plant-waterer whose job would be the first to go during the next cost-cutting initiative, not worthy of a haiku. The expressionless faces that often make me wonder what they could possibly have streaming into their ears, through those ubiquitous white headphones to cause such a stone-faced reaction. Can we write delicate haiku as fine as lace and as richly satisfying as the smile on our sleeping child’s face when all we live for are the couple of hours every morning when we are in control and can choreograph our existence to a tee?